FCC Record, Volume 8, No. 19, Pages 6621 to 6998, September 6 - September 17, 1993 Page: 6,743
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8 FCC Red No. 19
Federal Communications Commission Record
HS: You see, this is my problem with the whole
Federal Communications Commission, if, if Donahue
has a doctor sitting there and talking about stuff, well
then that's okay, it's serious, but if Howard Stern
talks about a problem that he had, and he cured
without the help of a doctor, I cured it on my own
pretty much, by eating properly and wiping properly,
because wiping is the key to all of this. People who
get caught up with the backside and get obsessed with
keeping themselves clean back there like I once did,
Robin. I'm liberated now, three wipes and that's it.
RQ: You know you'd think you'd be busy enough to
keep your mind off such things.
HS: I know, but that's the problem, I was too busy to
concentrate. When I would wipe, I would, I would be
on the phone, I would be reading a magazine.
RQ: What in the world?
HS: That's right. And I wouldn't pay attention to
what I was wiping.
RQ: You should use baby wipes. That's what I heard
was very good.
HS: No, no, no, no. I don't use baby wipes.
RQ: That's not necessary.
HS: I could use a brown paper bag now and not get
an anal fissure.
HS: I'll tell you why, because when I wipe.
FV: Uh. huh.
HS: Now when I wipe, three wipes no matter what.
HS: I don't care what's going on back there, three
wipes. That's it. And I'm done. And that's what
cured me and, and, not forcing myself to go to the
RQ: Why were you forcing?
HS: I'm going to tell you what happened, Robin.
And I don't care how many times the government
fines me. I really don't care. I'm going to talk about
this cause I think it's important. I, I'm one of these
guys who as soon as they feel a little pressure back
there. I'm sitting on the bowl, and.
FV: You're going to make it happen.
HS: I'm going to get everything out of me.
FV: And you're not supposed to push either.
HS: Ah, hah.
FV: That's what my boyfriend always tells me.
HS: Your boyfriend, yeah. Your not supposed.
FV: Don't push.
HS: Your boyfriend helps you?
RQ: What is your boyfriend doing in there?
HS: Yeah, what're you guys, giving birth?
RO: Every dump is a (unintelligible).
FV: We talk about it a lot.
HS: Every dump is a birth.
RQ: (Unintelligible) a delivery.
HS: Oh my goodness. And I will tell you something,
I learned the hard way, and I only go to the bathroom
now Robin, when (unintelligible) it's, like it's
an emergency, and I go once a day. I'm very regular
that way. Once a day, two o clock, three o clock in
the afternoon you know where I am. I'm going. And
that's what I do. And let me tell you something, if, I
am cured, I have no itch back there, I used to itch so
bad that my underwear, I used to itch right through
FV: Oh God.
HS: And scratch and it was embarrassing because my
RQ: When did you do that? Cause I never saw you
HS: I used to scratch when, mostly when I got home.
HS: I would actually scratch with my underwear.
Because I was too busy. you know, even, scratch. I
don't know what I was doing. And we'd see like pock
markets, pock marks in my underwear.
FV: Oh God.
HS: I'm telling you, I was this close to dragging my
ass across the carpet. Like a dog.
November 12, 1992
Announcer: Guys with hot rods and girls who love them.
Coming, coming, coming, coming. Monday, Tuesday,
Wednesday. everyday. Its the funny man, Howard Stern.
Howard Stern and his Funny Show. (Unintelligible)-crushing,
music ignoring, Funny Show. All talk. no
taste. Right now. The (unintelligible) fart-blasting, braburning,
smegma scraping, (unintelligible) funny man is
coming. (Unintelligible) the fastest, the slickest is on his
way. to a radio near you, and taking on the Greased penis,
Morning Zoo weinie. and and those pecker heads, pecker
heads, news programs, (unintelligible) Stern's gonna climb
and crush the no-talent, fudge-packing big (?) boys and
their dingleberry-suckin' sidekicks. Now the rudest. crudest,
lewdest, most talked-about man in America is about to
blow the doors off and leave those scivy-staining, butt
picking, jerk stains in the dust. Stand back . . . you inbred
goat humping, (unintelligible) morning (?) mistakes of genetic
engineering . Its the Stern show and its here, here,
HS: And I'm masturbating to get to sleep, I mean,
and then I'm up. I already wasted. . . I fell asleep
without masturbating which, that's how tired I was.
HS: (Unintelligible) I mean,, what is this?
Here’s what’s next.
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United States. Federal Communications Commission. FCC Record, Volume 8, No. 19, Pages 6621 to 6998, September 6 - September 17, 1993, book, September 1993; Washington D.C.. (digital.library.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metadc1865/m1/139/: accessed January 20, 2019), University of North Texas Libraries, Digital Library, digital.library.unt.edu; crediting UNT Libraries Government Documents Department.